I'm sharing this story in my blog today at the risk of destroying the peachy image of my family that I have tried so hard to perpetuate in my blog and on Facebook. It's not that I have tried to portray my family in a way that makes one think we don't have our challenges, it's more a factor of my not wanting to dwell on the negative that has led you all to believe that my children are perfect and our life is a series of non-stop fun and adventure.
Do you remember the morning I posted something like, "No children were harmed in the posting of this status...but I'm not gonna lie...it was REAL close!" ? Well, this is the story behind that morning....
My week was hectic enough before all of this happened. I was in charge of the talent show at our elementary school and was juggling the demands of scheduling 150 kids in 50 acts and trying to learn the ins and outs of our new sound system (don't EVEN get me started on that one). When I had just about figured out exactly how I would schedule the acts to keep our talent show from being dubbed, "The Taylor Swift Showcase", Macy called and the conversation went something like this:
Macy: "Mom, have you ever read Watership Down?"
Me: "Ummm...yes, I think I read a few passages when Max had the book last year."
Macy: "Well, um, do you think we could like talk about it a little because I have like a quiz over 10 chapters tomorrow and last time I like read the book AND read the Spark Notes and I still did like poorly on the quiz."(Seriously, she says "like" like a lot!)
Me: "OK, Mace. I will look over those 10 chapters and we can talk about it and maybe that will help."
So, I suddenly got excited about the thought of a whole little Oprah Book Club night with Macy (I would be Oprah, of course!} I wanted to be prepared so I could properly impress her with my ability to spot all of the major literary devices because I know my hyperboles and my foreshadowing like nobody's business. I set aside my work on the talent show and spent the entire afternoon reading 10 chapters of Watership Down and I was completely confident that I would knock Macy's socks off with the depth of my knowledge and I would no doubt be able to help her ace the upcoming quiz. I envisioned all of her friends asking her how she alone managed to pass this test and she would tell them about her secret weapon, and the kids would be lining up to join my Book Club, I was already deciding how I would have to weed out the masses to get to the select few that I would allow into this sacred club. I couldn't wait for her to get home from school so we could curl up and begin the first of many book club nights we were sure to have.
As the night progressed, I realized that Macy had much more to do that night and discussing Watership Down was WAY down on the list. I had almost given up when she came to me around 11 PM and said, "Ok - I'm ready." I put a pot of coffee for us, (Ok, not really. Neither one of us drinks coffee, but if we did this would SO be where I would make a pot just to make my house smell like Barnes and Noble or Starbucks or anywhere else the more legitimate book clubs might meet.) We settled in on the couch, me at one end and her at the other. We were facing each other and our legs were up under the same blanket. Our book club meeting was briefly delayed when Max appeared with a dress shirt that was so wrinkled that even my heavy-duty starch would not be sufficient to make it look good and he asked me to iron it so that he could wear it school the next day (since they had their last basketball game and the entire team had decided to dress up.) I told him I thought the only hope for the shirt was to rewash it and THEN iron it, and since I was settling in for book club I would be up a while and would go ahead and throw it in the wash. As the washer slowly filled up, I settled back in with Mace and began to share my thoughts on the adventures the Watership Down rabbits enjoyed in Chapters 17-26.
After just a few minutes, I looked up from a passage I was reading and Macy's eyes were closed. I gently kicked her to startle her and began to read again. I was about to burst with all of the knowledge I had gleaned that afternoon, but Macy was struggling to stay awake and my gentle kicks became a little more angry and determined. Soon, it was obvious she was way too tired to discuss anything and she said, "Thanks for trying, Mom. But, I am going to bed and I am sure I will be fine on the test since I read the book." And, off to bed she went. So, while I was kicking myself for giving up an entire afternoon and for totally letting my Oprahwannabee-ness go to my head, I heard the faint sound of the washer and suddenly realize that it would be while before I could go to bed since I now had to wait on Max's dress shirt to finish in the wash AND dry cycle if he had any hopes of wearing it to school the next day. Even in the midst of the disappointment, shame and frustration I was feeling, I still managed to not lose my cool.
I finally got in bed at around 1 AM and dutifully set the alarm for 5:30 because, although I had hung the dress shirt up immediately after it came out of the dryer, I would need to iron it and I still had lunches to pack and I needed a little extra time. After I ironed the shirt, I triumphantly hung it in the bathroom where Max would shower and I woke Max and Macy up so that they could get ready. The morning was running smoothly until Max came out dressed in a t-shirt and shorts and announced, "I think it's going to be too hot today to dress up so I am just going to wear this." Seriously? Although feeling foolish and frustrated yet again, I still hadn't lost my cool.
Then, when I was upstairs in the little girls' closet grabbing their clothes for the day (and hoping against hope that nothing else would need ironing), I heard Macy yelling for Max to hurry up. After she yelled at him about how they were going to be late, she stormed out the back and slammed the door. She got in his car and turned up the music so loudly that she couldn't hear that she had set the house alarm off and it was blaring downstairs, Now, for some reason that I still can't fathom, Chloe is the only one of my children who has figured out how to the work the alarm, so it blared for a good two minutes before Chloe could get to it to turn it off. I rushed down from upstairs because I knew the alarm company was going to call and if I didn't answer promptly, they would send the cops out to investigate. I ran into the kitchen to grab the phone when it started ringing, only to find out that the receiver had been taped to the wall phone with packing tape. You see, the little girls used the wall phone for something earlier that week and couldn't get it to hang up properly, so they decided if they used about 20 yards of packing tape, they could make that phone stay hung up on the wall. So, I was frantically looking through the junk drawer for scissors or a knife to free the phone from its Scotch-induced bondage, the phone was ringing and I can't answer it and I could see Macy sitting out in Max's car, totally oblivious to the chaos she created and she looked at me and holds her hands up in disgust with that "What is taking Max so long?" look..........
and THAT is when I lost it. I mean, seriously....can you blame me?
